Solicited Advice
F*ck It. I Got This
2 single mothers discuss EVERYTHING as it relates to the day-to-day challenges and joys of parenting solo.
Podcasting since 2023
Episodes here.
Dear Reader and Contributor,
When diving into this column, the first question I hope you ask yourself is: “Why should I listen to you?”
That may be a counterintuitive question to pose as the writer of an advice column, but I believe, first and foremost, it’s important to listen to what our own individual intuition tells us. What is right for me may not be right for you, and any advice given here is based on my individual perspective.
The only unsolicited advice you will see me offering in the space is as follows; don’t do anything simply because someone told you to do it.
This is a space to ask questions and benefit from an alternative perspective. I am not your guru or your mommy, and I can only speak from my experiences. That being said, my goal is to provide some insight and hopefully, a little levity. No question is off-limits; I am here for all your solicited advice.
Send your questions to: Askingojai@gmail.com
April 9, 2025Hey Katie,
My friend is dating a man who sets off every alarm in my body. He’s nice enough, but there’s something performative about him. He once referred to himself, unironically, as a “wounded healer.” I mean, that’s a cock shaman right there. Am I being too judgmental, or do I trust my gut on this one and tell her what I think?
— Third Eye Rolling
If you’re asking…
This is a tough spot to be in. With age and experience comes the ability to identify a “Manic Pixie Fuck Boi,” as Joy Sullivan has so precisely coined them from a mile away. Once you have been on the receiving end of their artful spin on “it’s not you, it’s me: Ketamine edition” or spotted the tell-tale line of dots burned into a chiseled bicep (the result of Kambo for those who haven’t had the pleasure), you know how it ends. Tears, confusion, and a vague sense that you’ve been on an acid journey you didn’t sign up for.
The wonderful thing about experience is that we can learn from it, but if your friend is like me, she can only learn these lessons through her own encounters. Nothing anyone could have said would have deterred me from walking the degenerate path that was my marriage.
When I got married, my ex-husband chose the night of our wedding to reveal some big (it turns out), previously unknown parts of his personality. My best friend was on the receiving end of a lot of his anger that night, and as a result, I experienced some deep shame. Despite his behavior, she never wavered in her support of me. If I had asked her opinion of my husband, I believe she would’ve answered me honestly, but I didn’t for years because I wasn’t ready to hear the truth I couldn’t yet acknowledge. After my divorce, she told me that she had expressed her frustration with my choice of partner (and his treatment of me) to her mother. The counsel she received was that if she wanted to be able to support me, she should bide her time. She didn’t need to endorse or encourage the relationship, but as her mother sagely explained, when the relationship met its inevitable end, I would need a friend, and if I thought she had judged me I would be less apt to come to her.
My friend’s mother was right. Part of being in a relationship where someone is manipulating you is that even as you’re participating, there is a deeper knowing that something is wrong, and often, your partner reinforces that the problem is you. When I was finally ready to lift the veil on my own relationship, if I had sensed her disapproval, I would have been too embarrassed to seek the support I desperately needed.
Your friend must be the one to navigate this situation herself. It is highly unlikely that your sharing your feelings is going to change her behavior, and even if it did, a decision to leave any situation, good or bad, only “sticks” if the choice is made by the individual on their own.
People tend to ask for the truth when they are ready to hear it, so if you find yourself on the receiving end of a request for your opinion, solicited advice if you will, I encourage you to be honest, gentle but honest. Until then, shower your friend with love and encouragement. Build her up and make sure she knows how much she means to you. THAT will make all the difference.
